You know, what I think I didn't realize before I met you is that I was like lonely.

I don't know what the next year of my life is gonna be like at all.

I don't know what the next week of my life is gonna be like.

I don't even know what I want.

You can't pay for anything...

Just say it. Just fucking say it.

I'm a loser, I'm a fucking loser in a lot of ways Shoshanna, you know that?

What makes me worth fucking anything?

That I'm falling in love with you.

I don't ever want to see you again.

That ok?

No, not okay.

Well, it's not your choice, it's my choice.

Hello, I'm gonna...

You work here, huh?

Impressing.

It's a job.

When was the last time you had sex?

What?

I-- honestly, I promised myself I wasn't gonna fan out too hard, but I am just such a crazy, nutty fan of yours.

I grew up on "Pumped Mag."

To me, it was the first sense I had that there was something beyond the little town that I came from.

I would have my cousin send me copies from Philly 'cause I couldn't even get it in Michigan.

Oh, my God. That makes me feel so old.

And I can't believe you read my essay.

Well, I read your essays.

I read all of them and I loved them.

They're very complex, very sweet.

They're very naive, they're very infuriating.

You know? You did something that writers find really hard to do, which is, you know, find a voice.

And I hardly even had to look for it, so--

Don't do that, okay?

'Cause you did have to look.

Yeah.

I worked hard.

Own it.

Whew!

Okay, this division is about high-low.

You know what that means, right?

It means--

Yeah, like Target.

Yes, but it's Toni Morrison doing Target.

Yeah.

It's Tom Wolfe writing about his colostomy bag.

Totally, totally.

Right?

But there's also low-high.

Someone who no one's ever heard of writing about her lost generation.

My lost generation?

Like, I could be that someone, you mean?

Bruce, what the hell are you doing here?

Nice to see you.

How are you?

Great.

This is so-- this is Hannah Horvath.

Take a picture. In a month, she's gonna blow up.

I'll be looking for you, Miss Horvath.

I'll see you at the Crown dinner next week.

Great to see you.

What the fuck is a money man doing... in Brooklyn?

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I mean, did the East River freeze over?

I don't even know what's happening.

Who chose this restaurant?

I don't think it was here last week.

Your assistant chose it.

What are these?

You don't-- you don't know what a pistachio is?

Looks like a little penis.

I don't know if you're joking or not.

Look, I don't know what's going on.

You know what's going on.

And you're writing an e-book.

I'm writing an e-book?

You're writing an e-book.

I'm writing an e-book?

For you?

How 'bout it?

( sighs )

More drinks. She's writing an e-book.

Mm, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I need it in a month.

( laughs )

I'm not joking.

You are my new protégé.

I will not let you down.

Call me when you need to, don't call me when you don't.

Bye.

All right?

Mm-hmm.

( phone ringing )

Oh, who the fuck is calling at this hour?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, it's Hannah.

I don't know. She keeps saying she has news, but I bet, like, she wrote a blog post or found a really good hot dog or something.

( groans )

Are you even friends?

Why do you hang out with her still?

It's just really ingrained.

Like, she's Hannah. I don't know.

I spent so many years with her--

I don't really care, actually.

( door opens )

Girl: Hello?

Oh, hey, Soo Jin.

I'm in the bedroom.

Hey.

So your painting's back at the warehouse, I moved the Lance thing to tomorrow, and you're all set for Seki Tuesday.

Oh, and your fridge is stocked with goat milk probiotic.

Cool.

I'm gonna grab a bite and gas up the car.

Mm-kay. Thanks, Sooj.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, and Soo Jin?

Yeah?

Hey, yesterday, the ice cream that you picked up?

It had a tiny bite taken out of it.

Yeah, sorry. I took a tiny scoop.

I'd never had rosewater ice cream before.

It was so good.

Yeah, it is so good.

I-- I'm sorry, I kind of find that weird that you opened my ice cream and took a scoop.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

My ice cream is like my groceries.

Would you just help yourself to my groceries?

Marnie, chime in here.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, ice cream is technically groceries.

Fuck you, bitch.

Uh...

Whoa.

Is this for real?

How can I trust you now, Soo Jin?

Um, this is total bullshit.

I'm sorry I had a tiny scoop of your ice cream.

I don't need this job. I don't know why I've been doing it this long.

My boyfriend is doing lights for Carly Rae Jepsen and I should be on the bus with him.

And I'm gonna go do that now.

Okay, bye.

( laughs )

Take your CrackBerry.

Ah!

Thank you. Oh, you're fired.

I'm sorry, am I insane?

( door slams )

What she did was wrong, right?

Yes, absolutely.

Taking a bite of someone's ice cream is psychotic.

Okay, I don't know if it's that crazy.

Um, I gotta run, I think.

Hey, so tonight I'm having a bunch of people over for Stryder's opening.

So bring whoever.

Oh, and since Soo Jin is dead, you mind being my hostess for the evening?

Really?

Yeah.

Shoshanna: So yesterday I found this flyer.

The Learning Annex is doing a three-day seminar on entrepreneurships and on the third day Donald Trump is talking and I totally think you should do it.

I mean, it's $139, which seems like a lot, but actually it's totally a bargain considering they teach you how to be a millionaire.

You want me to go see Donald Trump speak?

Yeah.

I mean, obvy there's a lot of bad stuff we can say about him, like how he totally should not have hired his daughter Ivanka as a judge on "The Apprentice," but--

So, you want me to be some kind of, what, entrepreneur?

Well, it-- it says here that it gives people the tools they need to be as happy as possible every single day of their lives.

And why would I want that?

Don't you want to run your own coffee shop one day?

No.

Hey, what are you doing here only 12 minutes late?

Sorry, I woke up early to write and then I really just got into my flow.

Just got into your flow?

Mm-hmm.

You know you didn't mop the floors last night?

Cool, I'll do it right now.

No big deal.

Hey, Shosh!

Um, okay, seriously, I cannot believe that I have a friend who signed a book deal.

It's so adult and intriguing.

It is pretty impressive.

Usually when people say they want to be a writer, they really don't want to do anything except, you know, eat and masturbate.

Well, that's not me. I want to do everything.

And everything is write, write, write.

How fast do you think you can write a book?

Like, a year.

Oh, by the way, where's my copy of "Little Women"?

Oh, I left it at Adam's. Sorry.

Well, I need it back.

Well, I can't get it for you right now 'cause I can't see him. So I'll buy you a new one.

Hannah, my godmother gave me that book, okay?

She writes notes in the back of books explaining how they relate to my shit. I need it back.

How exactly does your godmother think that "Little Women" relates to your shit?

Like, does she think you're a Marmee or an Amy?

I don't know. Probably a Marmee, but I don't know 'cause I haven't read it, okay?

That's why I need it back.

I don't like the idea of it cohabitating with that sociopath.

It's unsettling.

Firstly, you're not a Marmee.

You're probably the dad who dies of influenza at the war.

Okay? And secondly, I really can't go get it right now because Adam is still crazy about me and if we were in a room alone together, he might murder me.

I mean, it's really your duty as a man to go.

( music blaring )

( loud banging )

Adam: Yeah?

It-- it's Ray.

Ray who?

I'm a friend of Hannah's.

( banging continues )

( music stops )

Adam: Fuckin' fucker.

Hello?

( footsteps approaching )

Hannah didn't send you here, did she?

Because I'm fucking done with her shit, okay?

She got me thrown in jail. Did you know that?

I had to spend a night in a cell with a fucking yoga teacher.

Look, I'm here to get my book, okay?

Hannah borrowed it. It's important to me. I need it back.

It's called "Little Women."

Okay, well, I'm very busy.

I don't have time for a scavenger hunt.

You're more than welcome to look.

I'm coming in, then.

What do you got, a one-bedroom here?

Yep.

It's very masculine, primal.

Fuckin'-- is that the book with all the stupid shit written in the back?

Yeah.

It's in the bathroom.

Why is it in the bathroom?

I don't know.

Hannah was probably reading it when she took a dump.

Fantastic.

Careful, my dog's in there.

( barking )

Jesus!

What the hell is that?

Fuck, he's still going.

( dog growling )

Well, clearly I'm not welcome in there, so would you mind--

I'm not going in there. He bit me.

He bit you?

Jesus Christ.

Looks infected.

Well, I put baking soda on it.

( barking continues )

Okay, so what's the game plan here?

Well, just hang out a minute and he'll wear himself out.

Then I can try to harness his energy.

And I gotta piss.

So, uh, what's the little rascal's name?

You know, it's a dog.

His name is Dog.

I just got him, so I haven't had time--

Oh, so, it's like a-- like a breakup dog.

Dog's not a breakup dog.

I just wanted a dog, so I got a dog.

Okay.

I stole him.

You stole him? Why'd you steal him?

'Cause he-- well, there's this fucking bulldick who was calling him a shitdick and such, so obviously it made me very angry.

And then he tied him up outside a fucking coffee shop so he can, what, get coffee?

Fucking croissant?

( barking continues )

And he wrapped himself up in his own leash.

I was untangling him and he licked my face... and, I don't know, I felt like he wanted me to rescue him, so I did.

He wanted you to rescue him, so you did?

That is a really messed-up thing to do, you know that?

I grew up with a dog. They're like family. You don't do that.

I've--

I had a dog, too.

Okay, so you understand that what you did is basically like kidnapping a baby, okay?

It doesn't matter if owner was yelling at dog.

Owner probably loved dog.

Someone did that to me, someone stole the dog that I grew up with, someone took Constantine away from me, I'd shoot that fucker right in the face.

Right between the nostrils, no hesitation.

Shut the fuck up!

You understand?

Yeah.

( barking stops )

Okay.

So find a way to return that dog to his owner or Lucifer or whoever the hell you got him from.

There's an address on his collar.

When he calms down, we can wrap him up with this muzzle I made and we can take him back to the guy.

Just lately I've just been--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's no "we" here. There's no "we."

That's between you and fucking Cujo, okay?

I'm not your partner in crime here, okay?

I came here to get my book. This is obviously not a good time.

Leave it in your fucking mailbox.

No, his owner must've had him on Quaaludes or something.

This guy's intense. Big face, big head.

Big, bald head.

I might need some backup.

Backup?

Please, man. Help me out.

Like, uh... like, uh, extra muscle in case shit gets real? That type of backup?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

So, is that a yeah?

Yeah, I'm in.

All right. Uh, thank you.

Huh. No problem.

Oh, my G, that is too cute.

Yeah, it's too cute.

( groans ) Everything I own is, like, so basic.

You can borrow something of mine.

Yeah, I think I have to go shopping.

Fun.

Are you, like, going to some fab event tonight or something?

Um, actually, Booth and I are having a couple of friends over before one of his, I don't know, associates' art opening or whatever.

Oh, my God.

That's so fabulous.

You're like Bella Swan from "Twilight" and I'm, like, her weird friend who doesn't understand how fabulous her life is because my boyfriend won't spend $4 on tacos.

Yeah, it's a thing. It's, like, happening on a nice level, on, like, a fancy, nice level.

Who goes to get tacos on a date?

I was under the impression-- when Aunt Eileen told me about the first time a boy's gonna take you on a date, it's, like, why would there not-- there should be mood lighting.

It has to be perfect. I mean, this is the first thing that we're hosting together as a couple.

I mean, no presh, but that's a really big deal.

He, like, totally likes you.

That's, like, a huge deal.

Oh, my God, can I come?

Um...

( dog barks )

( groans )

I can't believe you stole this fucking dog from a guy from fucking Staten Island.

They make that place look like an amusement park.

It's not an amusement park, okay?

It's the gates of hell.

I was offered a three-way once and I turned it down 'cause the girls were on Staten Island.

These were attractive girls, too, nice girls.

Look at this stupid fucking boat.

Look at these people.

Hopeless.

They know where they're going.

This is what it felt like when they approached the beaches of Normandy.

( laughs )

See, if I made a joke like that to Shoshanna, she would just stare at me.

( dog barks )

Give me the old slow blink.

Control your animal!

( dog barks )

Jesus.

How's that going with you and Shoshanna?

Good. Really good.

Really good.

I mean, I know she thinks I haven't done enough with my life considering, you know, my age, but it's hard to tell someone so young that things don't always end up the way you thought they'd be.

Maybe it's weird that I'm dating someone so young.

I don't think it's weird. Young girls are great.

Young girls and older ladies.

It's the in-betweens that are a problem.

Right, exactly.

Yeah, women under 18 and over 40 are the best at relationships, 'cause the young ones...

True.

...they can still maintain enough insecurity to be vulnerable, which is attractive.

And the older ones, they don't have these bullshit expectations of what a relationship needs to be or doesn't need to be, you know?

Yeah, my best relationships were with a 17-year-old and a 54-year-old.

You dated a 54-year-old?

How was the--

Her body was fantastic.

She exercised compulsively.

Again, it's the in-betweens that are always worried about how they look.

Linda just loved her body and it was fucking sexy.

No position she didn't want to fuck from.

That is sexy.

You know, you and I, we're actually not so different.

I may intellectualize everything and you nothing, but at the end of the day, we both get to the same meaty ideas.

You know?

Maybe it's 'cause we're both honest men.

Maybe it's 'cause we're both kinda weird-looking.

( whining )

( glass breaks )

Jessa: Fuck!

Jessa?

Yeah.

Fell asleep in the tub.

( sighs ) I had no idea you were here.

That was absolutely terrifying.

How's your book of shit?

Um, it's okay. It's pretty good.

I mean, I feel like the hardest part is always getting started, but I have a lot of great ideas that are forming in my brain--

Where's your dustpan?

Uh, I don't know.

You know, I think what's most stressful with this is that it's my first book.

It's like, with a first book, you have this duty to express yourself in a really clear way that's--

Hannah... whether you write this book or not, it's not gonna change anything.

This book doesn't matter.

That's the first thing you need to know.

It's not gonna matter to the people who read it or to you.

You are so mean when you're depressed.

I'm not depressed.

You're depressed.

You're a depressed person.

You can stay as long as you want.

I know.

( sighs )

Staten Island's a big metaphor.

Do you get that?

All these people, they want to live in Manhattan, but they end up on this fucked-up, weird little island watching the city in the distance with this quiet, just, rage just burning in their hearts.

So you're done spilling seed over Hannah?

No longer experiencing the strong emotions?

No, I did enough of that.

She's like a carnival game, you know?

It all seems so simple, but you can't get the ring on the bottle because it's fucking rigged.

So you try and try and try till you drive yourself nuts.

Then finally when you walk away, you realize you didn't even want the crappy prize to begin with.

I realized that's what Hannah is-- a giant Tweety doll I would've been stuck carrying around the carnival all night.

I'm happy to be over it.

You're a poet, you know that?

You know what I'm talking about.

To be honest, actually, I don't.

Shoshanna's the longest relationship I've ever been in.

You guys have only been together, like, a week.

How is that possible? Aren't you 40?

I'm 33. That's hurtful.

And we've been together for four weeks.

Seven weeks since we made love for the first time.

I took her virginity.

That's a big deal.

I kinda feel like her fucking father now.

Can I be honest with you? I have never understood your infatuation with Hannah.

Just it never-- it never clicked for me.

I know she's smart, she's quirky, she's fun to be around and all that, but, you know, doesn't mean she's not a difficult person.

I'm a difficult person. Everyone's a difficult person.

She was accepting of my brand of difficult.

She was okay with it.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean she wasn't terrible to you.

She wasn't terrible to me.

She has her own ideas about what's right and wrong, and sometimes she gets confused, but she's an altruistic person in the end.

An altruistic person?

If you think Hannah's an altruistic person, then you and this fucking schizoid dog belong together.

Don't compare Hannah to this piece-of-shit dog.

I'm not. I never did.

You're the one who compared her to a carnival game.

Then why are you trying to convince me she's a bad person?

Okay, she's a great person.

Is that what you want to hear?

Hannah's awesome. She's wonderful.

She's a classy lady in cutoff-- graffiti cutoffs.

Do you wanna fuck her?

What?

You wanna fuck her in her little graffiti cutoffs?

Okay, you are losing it.

You're losing it right now. Do you know that?

I can't even begin to follow this thread of logic.

Did you already fuck her? Is that why you're being so coy?

Coy?

Is that your first time using this word?

No, I don't find Hannah attractive, okay?

You don't know shit about love.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What you're doing with Shoshanna, it's not real.

She's just some kid you feel safe with because you know it won't work out.

You're just babies holding hands.

She clearly doesn't like you.

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!

All right, fuck this. I'm out.

You're "out"?

Hey!

Adam!

I thought we were in this together.

What the fuck's going on?

( people chattering )

( muffled music playing )

( music blaring )

Sorry.

Hey.

Hi.

Thanks for inviting me.

Of course.

What are you wearing?

Oh, they said it was gonna rain.

What are you wearing?

Oh, it's a-- it's just a dress.

From the far-off future.

No, it's pretty.

Um, did you just put my coat under that blazer?

No, I didn't do that.

Marnie, hey.

'Cause it looked like you were trying to hide--

Hi.

Yeah.

So are these, like, all your new friends?

Is that bad?

No, no. It's just everyone's so cool.

It's like, why aren't you guys having this party in Tulum?

You want a drink?

Yeah.

So, I go to see Marina Abramovic at the MOMA, and I honestly think I'm going there just to support her.

And then suddenly I'm sobbing, which I never do.

I mean--

I've seen you cry, like, six or seven times.

Are you enjoying this fucking party I'm throwing you, Stryder?

Hannah: Why didn't you text me back when I told you I had big news?

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been crazy. But I wanna hear.

Um, you know how I've been sending all my stuff out to--

Sketch!

Oh, my God! Hi!

Hey, how ya doing?

( laughs )

My favorite person in the world!

Sketch: Hey, Sweet Baby Jane.

Marnie: Oh, my God.

( laughing ) You're an animal.

Someone's in there.

Wait, didn't I meet you at one of Ryan's shoots?

Uh, I don't think so, no.

Oh, yeah. You were the girl who got her period at the Dairy Queen.

Mm-mm, sorry.

Oh, I thought you were her.

She was really fun.

Are you going to Stryder's show later?

No, I'm not going to Stryder's show later.

I gotta head home.

I'm working on a book, so that's pretty much all I'm doing with my time these days.

You should talk to Sketch. He's writing a book, too.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's just an e-book, but that's a book, right?

I'll just go.

Yo, where'd the fuck you get that dog?

Hey.

Is this your dog?

It's my dad's dog.

Okay, great. Thank God.

Here, I found him.

I don't want him. I hate that thing.

Fucks up the house, scares my friends.

Keep him.

Wait, what--?

This is your dog, right?

My dad saw you steal it. He'll be home soon.

If you're here when he gets back, he'll fuck you up.

Whoa, whoa, hey, wait. I didn't steal anything.

I have a pistol in my purse.

What?

I got a pistol in my purse.

Back the fuck off. I'm not taking Mikey.

Look, you can't just throw this dog away, all right?

That's not the way it fucking works, okay?

You don't--

Fuck you, dick licker!

Fuck me? Fuck you!

You have no morals 'cause you were raised on a fucking trash heap!

Yeah? Who the fuck are you?

Why aren't you at work, old man?

Probably 'cause you don't have a job, you fuckin' loser.

You don't know that. Maybe I work nights.

Maybe I'm a creative type who doesn't abide to a nine-to-five schedule.

You don't know.

Yeah?

You probably still live with your mom, faggot.

Did she buy you those faggot pants?

You're a piece of shit that's got nothing better to do than steal my dad's dog and use it as your own private fuck-toy.

Go back to Yogurt Towne, kike.

I'm Greek Orthodox!

And I live in Brooklyn.

Hey, thanks for doing this tonight, really.

Of course.

You mind if I just throw you, like, 500?

What, dollars?

Yeah.

You don't have to pay me.

I'm your girlfriend.

( laughs )

I-- I didn't realize I had a girlfriend.

What?

Wait, did you think I was, like, working for you tonight or something?

Well, you're a hostess for a living.

I didn't think it was that weird to ask you to host.

But you have sex with me.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I had sex with Soo Jin and she worked for me.

It's one thing you can say about Sooj--

she really got the situation.

( crying )

Oh, um... no, hey, hey.

Don't-- hey, don't do that.

No, come on.

Hey, no. Hey, look.

This just isn't the best time for me--

No, no, no. Stop, stop.

You're making me feel so much worse.

I'm sorry.

I think I just like spending time with you.

I just think--

I don't know.

I feel really stupid now.

Usually when I think someone's my boyfriend, they're my boyfriend and I'm not delusional about it.

And I just feel dumb all because I just liked spending time with you and I hoped you were my boyfriend.

And I'm a longtime fan of your work and I just like everything in your life and I'm wearing this dress and I like your house.

You think you enjoyed hanging out with me or my work more?

Honestly, I think I probably just--

I fell in love with the idea of you.

Like it'd be cool to know you--

Oh, my God. Fuck this!

See, this is exactly why I can't hang out with anyone.

Because everyone just uses me for what I represent to them.

What?

See, you don't actually like me.

No, I do.

No, you don't.

( glass shatters )

Hey.

Hey, you're a great guy.

Everyone loves you.

No one even knows me, Marnie.

Not even you.

And this party fucking sucks.

( glass shatters )

I fucking hate everyone here, including Sketch and Hopper.

Stryder straightened his hair.

Did you notice that? Fucking asshole.

I hate all of my friends.

I hate everyone here.

Okay.

I'm gonna go home.

( sniffles )

( phone rings )

Hey, where'd you go?

Hey... um, I just was...

I don't know.

I just wanted to leave, so I left.

Ugh.

Why'd you wanna leave?

I don't know.

You were just talking to Hopper about his corn and it got me kinda... inspired by his creativity to go and write, so I did that.

( sighs )

You had a good time?

It was really nice. It was-- it was perfect.

I'm very happy.

Great.

Where are you now?

Oh, we're just in Booth's garden.

We're watching fireflies.

Nice.

Are you getting a lot done?

Oh, yeah. Tons.

I'm excited.

Um...

Talk soon, or...

Of course.

Okay.

Love you, bye.

Love you, bye.

( distant bell ringing )

What are you looking at, hmm?

Your life is perfect.

You think I'm pathetic, don't you?

Hmm?

You think I'm a kike?

( whines )

Well, I'm not even that.

I'm nothing.

( horns honking )

( crying )

( music playing )